We're probably in the best time ever for anyone who's wanted to put pen to paper. Handmade paper from Japan. Sustainably sourced paper from Germany. Perfect dotted paper from France.
The days of dear diary and padlocks on notebooks to keep dark secrets away from prying eyes are long gone. Although all it really means is we've grown up, and for many it means no more writing. And for men, that's a mental health tool that's missing.
Im sure the cringe-factor on using phrases like safe place is high. So be it. Because men ARE lacking safe spaces. Particularly emotional safe spaces.
If you're a man, chances are you don't have a strong network of people you can share your emotional issue with. If you have a man in your life, chances are he is living a deeply emotional life that he doesn't feel he can share with his male friends. Perhaps not even his female friends.
Statistically speaking, if you have three male friends, one of them has NEVER spoken to anyone about their emotions, according the Priory Group.
That number is scary, and the reasoning just as bad. Im too embarrassed being one of those.
Although were theoretically out of the man up phase of humanity, reality is different. Despite the idea that vulnerability is sexy, men are still uncomfortable discussing mental health. Regardless of whether thats to a male or female connection.
The underlying cultural and societal belief that feeling or acknowledging emotions is somehow counter to taking action or to being strong is pervasive. This leaves men, regardless of how they actually feel, encouraged not to feel.
Im sure the cringe-factor on using phrases like safe place is high. So be it. Because men ARE lacking safe spaces. Particularly emotional safe spaces.
If you're a man, chances are you don't have a strong network of people you can share your emotional issue with. If you have a man in your life, chances are he is living a deeply emotional life that he doesn't feel he can share with his male friends. Perhaps not even his female friends.
Statistically speaking, if you have three male friends, one of them has NEVER spoken to anyone about their emotions, according the Priory Group.
That number is scary, and the reasoning just as bad. Im too embarrassed being one of those.
Although were theoretically out of the man up phase of humanity, reality is different. Despite the idea that vulnerability is sexy, men are still uncomfortable discussing mental health. Regardless of whether thats to a male or female connection.
The underlying cultural and societal belief that feeling or acknowledging emotions is somehow counter to taking action or to being strong is pervasive. This leaves men, regardless of how they actually feel, encouraged not to feel.
"Traditionally, men have been less likely to seek support for mental health issues. This is probably for a number of reasons including stigma and the traditional strong male stereotype still prevalent in our society the idea that expressing emotion is a sign of weakness."
Dr Natasha Bijlani, Consultant Psychiatrist at Priory Hospital Roehampton
The results of this lack of venting? We are in a mental health crisis that leaves us with men committing 77% of suicides in the UK.
They leave behind families who had no idea that the man around them was struggling. That the man who was just pushing through, wasn't actually pushing through. He was beating himself up for not being able to deal with his emotions - because there was no space for him.
So lets talk about safe spaces. Mens groups and retreats are becoming more popular and important. They create an opening for men to listen to other men sharing the pains they have. Sharing how family life sometimes isn't satisfactory, or how manning up just isn't working anymore. How sometimes its just hard to be alive and not be able to say Im feeling really sad and maybe all I need is a hug.Mental health doesn't always have to be more than that.
I was looking for this myself during a period of my life. One thing that struck me with the mens groups and courses was the amount of chest beating and jungle screams.
It felt limited to me - I don't mean to say its not healthy or that it can't help a lot of people. Its just that I do believe its possible to have a healthy masculine attitude without having to go into base drives. Self-awareness, empathy and a deep and kind wisdom are characteristics that don't have to come from a physically represented masculinity.
What works for one man, doesn't necessarily work for everyone else.
What worked for me was to journal. Having a journal practice is something many women do, and some men.
It gave me an opportunity to go into myself, to look at my conflicts, to write about them, and have dialogues with myself around how I felt.
I had moments of exploration around masculinity and what it meant for me. And I realised quickly how conflicted even that was inside me. Growing up with the fight against toxic masculinity mixed in with having to be tough is a heady cocktail for a hormone-fuelled boy.
Through writing I was able to process it. The result was a sense of self that came from knowledge of self. It gave me a chance to see the duality of my own existence.
It made it possible to understand that there are parts of me I am proud of and others that Im not so proud of. And to realise they are both who I am. I had a chance to understand some of the reasons I behave the way I do.
All of that came from a willingness to write down the worst and best of me. It came from being ready to write fearlessly about myself - especially the parts I was deeply ashamed of.
And most of all, it came from being able to look at what I was feeling. Literally. By writing out my emotions, my experiences, and reading them back, I had a chance to externalise them. This gave me an opportunity to see that these emotions are not me. They are perhaps inside me, but just as a virus inside me isn’t me, these emotions are not me.
I became more aware of what triggers me, so I could avoid those situations, or respond better. I started to see patterns in my behaviour. I could look at my life experiences and see that certain things were more helpful than others. And I could learn from what was not helpful.
I believe everyone can benefit to some extent from journaling, but for men, it’s a start of creating a safe space that’s completely private.
And the key here is that journaling is not one thing. What makes is such a great tool is that it’s something you use as you wish. The key is to be brave enough to write down what you are resisting. Be brave. Face the words.
The journey begins within.